I am really tired of the cycle I keep looping through: get sucked into social media, usually to manage challenging emotions or periods of my life. My poison is Facebook and Instagram, occasionally YouTube shorts. (I have an old TikTok account, but even I can recognize how addictive and damaging that algorithm is.) Self soothe through scrolling. My sleep deteriorates, distracted periods start lasting longer, my kids start calling me a phone zombie. To be clear, I don’t have the apps downloaded, I just use Chrome on my phone to access the platform. Somehow I tell myself that that makes it better. An extra layer of friction, an experience with diminished quality. In reality, it is barely any friction, and I am quickly getting to the point where I pull my phone out without thinking, I’ve opened the tab on Chrome, and I’m 3 scrolls in before I realize what I am doing.

Usually, right as I am recognizing a problem, there’s a big news piece about predatory corporate policies or willful negligence at the social media companies. This time, it was the court case against Meta for Facebook being knowingly addictive.

So I deactivate my account. This sounds like such a big success, like some big permanent step. It’s a bit of a farce of a decision because all I have to do to reactivate is log back in with username and password. I know that it just takes one rough week, one regional conflict, one something, and I will type my username and password in. Back down I go.

I have the option to completely delete my accounts. But, I’m such a wimp. I think if I did delete my accounts, it would be effective. It would work. I’d break away. I read articles like this about ditching my smartphone, and I am so drawn to the idea. But of course, the world is so engineered for a smart phone. Airplane boarding passes, paying with my credit card. And then I remember that my Facebook page is an artifact of my life. Recently I realized that I didn’t have all my kids milestones written down: they were all on Facebook. Maybe I need to trust that I have photos and videos saved that also have all these milestones captured. I’m poking holes in my hesitation to delete. We’ll see if I can keep going down this path.

What I’n doing right now is working to reduce my iPhone down to a few apps: Google Maps, WhatsApp, Apple Pay. What else would I need?

The New York Times? Maybe I should start reading it on my iPad or laptop. That way it’s not in my pocket all the time and I can’t mindless open it when I need soothing or feel like I need to escape some discomfort. I have to consciously choose to devote time to read it. I’m considering this.

I’d probably keep my food ordering apps. I am not drawn to those for mindless scrolling. My bank apps are the same.

I guess what I need to do is just get rid of the scrolling apps, even ones like the New York Times that are arguably filled with valuable content. Still, they become scrolling black holes. When I broaden my search to which apps I reach for in moments of discomfort, it’s the New York Times, Reddit, and weirdly LinkedIn. LinkedIn is mildly terrible, but it’s the scrolling! Why does that scrolling feel so numbingly good? I think we know the answer to this one: it’s the dopamine. Add to that the variable rewards, also called the slot machine effect, which is when you get hits of dopamine at unexpected intervals. 90% of your scrolling is boring and filled with AI slop, but then every now and then someone has a baby! Or gets married! Or announces a big job change!

Okay, Reddit and LinkedIn are gone from my phone. (I’m writing this post and then deleting apps and then returning to drafting.) I’m a step away from taking Chrome off, honestly, because that’s the addicts work around: no app? Just open Chrome and log in!

Okay, this was long and maybe weird, but I wanted to take a moment to explain where I am and why my social media accounts just went dark. I’m fine, just trying to undo some of the thorny vines wound around my brain right now.