I’m not sure when we’ll stop keeping count of the days, but let’s hope that never happens because that usually signifies a long, enthrenched conflict.

We are still fine. The sirens are decreasing in frequency overall.

Where we are really affected right now is in flight cancellations. Next week is our spring break, and we booked a 4 day trip to Rome on RyanAir which coincided with my birthday. We booked an Airbnb, made restaurant reservations, and booked our museum tickets. So far I haven’t received the flight cancellation email, but everyone else flying on RyanAir leaving before us has been cancelled. I feel like I’m getting strung along by a mean crush–keeping me hanging, keeping me hoping.

Compared to those losing their homes, their property and their lives, my problem isn’t that bad, but I’m still bummed. We got a good deal on the flight and I spent a lot of time getting the kids psyched so they would complain less. (These kids of mine and their champagne problems: I take them to too many ancient ruins. God, another Roman road? Another temple to Hercules?) The Airbnb can be cancelled up until the day before our trip, the flight will be refunded, the reservations can be cancelled. It’s more that I was really looking forward to this break.

So here we are in week 3. The emotions have been quite a journey. Here’s a breakdown:

Week 1: Fight or flight. Anxiety, hyper alertness. Are we in danger? Are missiles going to hit us? What are the targets? The state department ordered the departure of all non-emergency employees and all families.

Week 2: Adrenaline hangover. Okay, I think we are okay. No missiles have hit their targets in Jordan. The defenses are working, the King of Jordan is leading with calm strength, affirming Jordan’s neutrality. No deaths, just a few debris-falling injuries. The sirens are frequent, but whatever. Maybe this will be over soon? It’s early enough that maybe this is short. I’m only thinking one day at a time. I check the news a lot. There are local Jordanian news sources that post frequent updates. I’m seeing news of every missile and drone attack in the region, all the sirens, all the statements by world leaders. I’m reading these updates like interpreting tea leaves. I’m starting to know the names of Iranian government officials. Araghchi says one thing, but then Pezeshkian says something else. What does that reveal?

Week 3: Okay, so I guess this is how we live now. Teaching a hybrid of in person students and embassy kids online. It’s challenging to balance the online and in person teaching. Making videos, checking digital work for the kids out of the country. Sirens 4-5 times a day. Depressing news. Nothing’s getting better. Iran is still targeting Arab neighbors. I can’t stand to watch anyone from the US government talk in clips of press conferences. I’m checking the news 25 times a day, hoping there’s something about a ceasefire, about anything that shows de-escalation. I’m thinking down the road, now, not just day to day. Here are my top what ifs:

• What if this becomes another 20 year war like Iraq?
• What if there’s a ground invasion, will international schools in the region close?
• When will airlines start flying here again?
• What if the State Department doesn’t bring back the embassy employees and kids?
• Will Trump use this as an opportunity to decrease the staffing at embassies in the Middle East?
• What if the embassy closes on a longer term basis?
• What happens next year when we need our passports renewed?

I’m entering my doom era. The despair and dread are starting to creep in. Yesterday was a particularly bad day. I texted David that I was struggling with what to do next week if our flight is cancelled. He stopped by my room in a free period and I cried a little sitting at my desk.

Last night I made some decisions. First, I’m not reading the news more than once a day. Even then, I’m just checking headlines, not reading the minute by minute updates. Second, I need something to distract me that ideally also involves using my hands. I’m going to get a knitting or embroidery project. Last night, I did a pretty intense strength workout in my apartment while watching F1. That was an effective distraction.

I would read, but I’m finding it hard if there is anything stressful or violent in the book that is vaguely realistic. Even just any kind of loss or tragedy. That really narrows down what books I can read. Fantasy tends to work the best, but even that can feel hard. I’m considering something nonfiction, but not war or conflict related, or in a relatively dry narrative style. I find that I can’t keep my attention. I feel scattered.

Still no email from RyanAir in my inbox. We carry on.